Holier Than Thou (The Tome of Bill) Read online

  What can I say? I was under a bit of a pressure at the time. Although the rule, like Jeff, was long gone, a few people had grown fond of my dopey moniker and continued to use it.

  “I think I can handle things,” James continued. “Although it is an interesting coincidence that you called. I was just compiling a database of special vampires, yourself being at the top of that list.”

  Now it was Sally’s turn to chuckle. She hit mute just long enough to ask me, “Should I buy you a helmet?”

  “Fuck you.”

  “Excuse me?” James asked.

  Goddamn it! She had unmuted us. “Err, sorry. Must be static in the line. What do you mean special vampires?”

  “Exactly that. Vampires with powers outside of the norm.”

  “I thought I was the only Freewill.” I had been under the impression that I was the only one for at least half a millennia. A brief glimmer of hope flickered within me. If there were others, then perhaps the prophesies wouldn’t apply to me.

  “You are, so far as we know,” James replied, pouring ice water on my small tinder of wishful thinking. “But just because you are the sole being of legend doesn’t mean that other vampire anomalies don’t exist. I’m compiling a list of their abilities in preparation for the coming conflict. It could prove useful.”

  “Really? Like what?”

  “Well...ah, I have an example you might recognize. Surely you remember Gansetseg.” It sounded as if he had a smirk on his face.

  “Gan is special, all right,” I growled.

  “Quite so,” he ignored my snark. “Gansetseg was turned when she was still a pre-teen. Her body became forever locked in the state she was in at the time.

  “So?”

  “So, she is in a perpetual state of puberty.”

  “So her superpower is being hormonally imbalanced?” Sally asked.

  “Partially. One of the side effects is that her body chemistry is hyper-accelerated compared to other vampires her age.”

  My eyes opened wide. “Speed.”

  “I see you noticed,” James replied.

  I had seen her in action during her vacation to New York when she followed me from her home in China thanks to a case of misguided puppy love. She was capable of moving at speeds that rendered her but a blur to even vampire eyes. At the time, she was one of the older vampires I had been exposed to, at a ripe old three hundred years, so it just appeared to be her greater powers. With a little more experience under my belt, though, I now realized she moved more like a vamp twice her age - with the added benefit of having the size and flexibility of a child.

  “That’s just great,” Sally remarked. “Will probably do wonders for her humility.”

  “That, combined with her status in Asia, makes her quite indispensable to our cause.” James paused for a moment. “But I’m sure you didn’t call for this meeting just to ask me how things were going. Am I correct?”

  “Colin didn’t fill you in?” Somehow I wasn’t surprised.

  “I’m not your messenger boy, child,” he said. Damn, I had almost forgotten the prick was still on the call, but it served as a reminder to watch my words. James could probably be counted on to be discreet, but Colin could only be trusted to fuck us over as quickly as was vampirically possible.

  “Colin...” James’s threat hung in the air.

  “You’re right, James,” Sally said, swerving us back on track. “We had a bit of a night.”

  “Care to elaborate?”

  “There was an incident at the loft...”

  “An incident?” I interrupted. “The entire building was wiped the fuck out.”

  “Thanks, Bill,” she sighed. “I was getting to that.”

  * * *

  We explained the situation to James. Well, okay, Sally explained while I interrupted whenever she downplayed the situation too much. Most vamps are emotionally unaffected by mass carnage, but c’mon! Sure, my coven were mostly douchebags, most of whom I wouldn’t miss - hell I was pretty much over it - but what happened should have warranted at least a modicum of outrage.

  Sally stuck mostly to the facts, not elaborating unless pressed. She was probably hoping we’d be taken at face value. Sadly, being a wage slave, I knew what it was like to be grilled by upper management. If I was sure of one thing, it was that the hard questions were still to come.

  I knew it would probably be unwise to flat out lie. I was considered special in the vampire community, but that didn’t mean they wouldn’t come up with some appropriate punishment to make an example of me. It would be even worse for Sally. The elders wouldn’t think twice about dusting her and then pissing on the ashes.

  At last, she finished with her account and then came the anticipated Q&A.

  “Are you sure it was the mages who did this?” James asked.

  “We didn’t see them,” Sally admitted, “but the green fire was definitely not natural.”

  “No doubt. I just find it odd.”

  “I don’t,” I said. “They haven’t really gotten over wanting me dead.”

  “I had thought, based on your associations up in the Woods of Mourning, you had perhaps come to a measure of peace with them.”

  “That was Christy,” I replied. “She’s just one member of that group. The rest...well, not so much. If we hadn’t been under a state of truce up there, I don’t doubt they would’ve tried to blast the shit out of me.”

  “Thank you for the colorful observation, Dr. Death. Still, the Magi’s feud is known to be primarily with you, not vampire kind in general.”

  “I’m well aware,” I said, an edge to my voice.

  “Please know I’m not trying to downplay this,” James said in a conciliatory tone. “Even so, personal vendettas are considered exactly that - personal. If a force attacks us en masse, we respond in kind. However, a lone vampire...”

  “I get it. We’re expected to deal with our own crap.”

  “In a word, precisely.”

  “But they didn’t go after just me.”

  “I know and, assuming it was them, that’s troubling. A skilled Magi is more like a surgeon than a child with a hammer. Such an act of...terrorism...is unlike them.”

  “Know anyone else who can level a building full of vampires in the middle of Manhattan while keeping it hidden from everyone more than twenty feet away?”

  “Some entities come to mind, but none who have any motive.”

  That was a scary thought, although it wasn’t particularly surprising. I had seen enough in Canada not to be overly shocked should Godzilla, Mothra, and the Old Ones rise out of the East River and start smashing shit. It was nearly terrifying to know that as powerful as vampires are, there were beings out there to whom we’re little more than bugs.

  “The thing is,” James continued, “the Magi have already indicated they prefer to remain neutral in the coming conflict. They have no love of us, but likewise, they have never counted the Alma as allies...nor do I see that changing. The Alma aren’t particularly fond of anything in human guise, vampire or otherwise.”

  “Yet, despite all that, we have a brand new parking lot only a few blocks away.”

  “I don’t dispute that. I’m just trying to find sense in the motives here.”

  “They have that stupid prophesy of theirs,” Sally commented.

  “We’re aware of that. The logic of their reasoning is dubious at best, unless perhaps they are, for some reason, convinced that the rise of the Icon is imminent.”

  Sally and I locked eyes. Oh crap. She shook her head. Her meaning was clear...shut the fuck up. I didn’t need to be told twice. Jesus Christ, what a fucking minefield.

  “I’m afraid there are too many questions on the table,” James said. “The loss of one coven is of little consequence to the First’s plans, no offense intended. However, considering your role in the coming conflict...”

  “Oh fuck,” I muttered under my breath, forgetting James’s hearing was supernaturally acute.

  “In this, sadly, I
have no say. Lord Alexander was quite adamant on this point. Your involvement raises this incident’s priority.”

  “Go me,” I sighed as Sally kicked me from under the table.

  “Based on what we know, or more precisely what we don’t, I see only one course of action...”

  That didn’t sound promising. Tom was definitely not going to be pleased if I’d put a giant crosshairs on his girlfriend.”

  “...we need to set up a conference call with the Magi.”

  “What?!”

  Whatever the hell had happened to nuking it from orbit?

  A friendly chat with the assholes who’d nearly vaporized me...go figure. I couldn’t wait to see how that was gonna turn out. If I was a betting man, though, I’d venture to guess it wouldn’t be in my favor.

  Without Bad Luck, I’d have No Luck at All

  “A conference call?”

  “Of course,” James replied. “What did you expect me to say?”

  “Something with a bit more killing, for starters,” Sally said.

  James chuckled. “Sally, my dear, this isn’t the thirteenth century. We don’t take up arms for the slightest offenses, especially at this moment. We’ll soon have our hands full enough of enemies. I’d prefer we not add to their number.”

  I bristled at the slightly offensive remark. I don’t consider myself hot shit or anything, but I’m not jaded enough to shrug off attempts on my life as no big deal.

  Sally raised her hands and shrugged. There wasn’t much we could do to protest. By bringing Boston into this mess, we had to accept their judgment on the matter. Regardless, neither of us was quite expecting a conference bridge with the folks who, in all likelihood, just succeeded in sending about a dozen vampires screaming into the great beyond.

  Talking to those psychos was not a good thing at any time, but right now, it had potential to be epically disastrous. Harry Decker and his fun bunch claimed to have known about my birth through their scrying or whatever the fuck they did. Assuming they weren’t full of shit, I wasn’t about to rule out their ability to do the same for the Icon. Considering they somehow thought that Sheila would be the death of them - which was hard to wrap my brain around since she wasn’t a killer - there was little doubt they’d be keeping their eyes open for her arrival.

  This was shaping up to be the worst conference call of my life, even worse than that time I accidentally clogged the school toilet back in first grade with my Boba Fett figure (I was pretending it was the Sarlaac pit).

  Talk about a shitty situation.

  * * *

  Once more, Sally and I played the waiting game, as there were diplomatic channels to be opened on Boston’s end. If there was an upside, it was that Colin was again forced to act as James’s toady. No matter how far up in the vampire hierarchy he got, he was still just someone else’s bitch. That alone was worth a fraction of a smile.

  The evening stretched into the wee hours of the night. Despite my orders, Dread Stalker left at some point...probably to go and commit some heinous act or another. Hopefully he ran into some witches in a dark alley. It was a horrible thought, but fuck it - I’m not applying for sainthood anytime soon. If the asshole wanted to get himself killed, that was his problem. Starlight was kept busy with some more of Sally’s bullshit paperwork. Firebird continued resting, albeit probably not comfortably. She still looked like a charbroiled chicken, but the blood transfusions appeared to be having some effect. She looked a little less crispy in places.

  Sally and Alfonzo disappeared into her office for a while. I couldn’t even amuse myself with the fantasy that he was railing her behind closed doors. I probably had far more of a chance with him than she did. No, she was probably doing something douchey like getting her hair colored. It would figure. We almost got our asses turned into Baked Alaska, and her biggest concern was whether her roots were showing.

  At last, her door opened. Alfonzo exited and indicated that Sally wanted me back in her office. I was supposed to be the one in charge. I should be summoning her into my office (if I had one).

  Oh, who was I kidding? I would have gladly handed her the keys to the castle. Hell, I would have dropped to one knee and proclaimed her Queen Shit if I could’ve turned back the clock a year and gone down a different path. Even two months back would be enough. I could have told Sheila, “Sorry, babe, but I just don’t think you’ve got it in you to do any better.” Sure, it would have completely fucked up my chances with her, but it would have been far more preferable compared to what lay ahead for both of us. My only advantage was knowing how much shit I was in. She would be blindsided.

  I stopped midway into Sally’s office. No, I couldn’t let that happen. The call’s outcome couldn’t be predicted, but I had a very good idea what my next course of action was going to be.

  * * *

  “Greetings, Freewill,” a voice on the line intoned.

  “Hey, Harry,” I replied flippantly. “Fuck up the launch of Farm Blitz yet?” Harry Decker was yet another on my ever-growing list of arch-enemies. He also, not coincidentally, happened to be the senior vice-president of marketing at my workplace, Hopskotchgames.

  “Hardly. In fact, I expect a nice bonus from that one. Perhaps I’ll buy myself a new Bentley.”

  “Only douchebags drive Bentleys,” I spat. It wasn’t much of a comeback, but rubbing my face in the fact that he pretty much wrote his own paychecks just poured salt in the wound.

  “I’m sure your work relationship is truly fascinating,” James interrupted, “but we have far more serious business to discuss.”

  “Of course, vampire,” Decker replied.

  “Esteemed Magi,” Colin said. “We welcome you to this conclave under protection of truce...”

  Truce? What the fuck?

  “Will you be attending alone, or shall we extend the invitation to others of your circle?”

  “I speak for my coven,” Decker replied arrogantly. What a douche.

  “Very well, honored guest.” Colin’s tone took on a sour note. “Freewill, are you ready?”

  “How come Gandalf the Gay gets an esteemed and honored greeting?”

  “Because he’s not you.”

  I heard Decker chuckle. Make that double douches.

  “Colin, please,” James said, his tone neutral but the warning fairly evident.

  “My apologies, Wanderer.”

  James ignored his sniveling and got down to business. As he began to speak, I locked eyes with Sally. Her look mirrored my own. She had no idea how this was going to play out either.

  “Mr. Decker, the Magi and the vampire nation have been on civil terms these past few centuries.”

  “Indeed,” he replied. “My people have no quarrel with yours...typically.”

  “Yes, we are aware of your issue with the Freewill. However, we consider that to be a personal matter.”

  I had meant to be a fly on the wall, but my mouth had other plans. “It’s fucking personal, alright.”

  Sally rolled her eyes - yeah, saw that one coming a mile away.

  “I am here on good faith, Wanderer,” Decker said. “Kindly restrain your dog.”

  “Dog? Fuck you, you...”

  “That will be enough, Dr. Death.” I knew what James was capable of. Likewise I knew the influence he now wielded as one of the thirteen most powerful vampires on the planet. All of that considered, I shut my mouth quickly, obeying...like a dog. Motherfucker!

  “My apologies,” James said.

  Sally immediately reached over and hit the mute button. “Curse out the asshole this way if it makes you feel better.”

  “Not as much fun if he can’t hear it, but good idea anyway.”

  “I’m full of them.”

  “You’re full of something all right.”

  “...as you can see, the situation is somewhat beyond normal. Considering the circumstances, I’m forced to investigate potential causes.” Oh crap, what had James been saying? From the sound of things, he was just summing things up for
Decker. Hopefully there hadn’t been any questions in there for me. “Do you have anything to add, Dr. Death?”

  Yep, I deserved that one.

  “Err...no, I think that about covers it.” I hoped I didn’t just hand Decker a “get out of blowing me up free” card.

  Silence resonated on the line for several seconds. “Despite our past vendetta against the Freewill,” Decker said at last, “my coven did not attempt to assassinate him this evening, though it would have been well within our power.”

  I flipped the finger at the phone. It only made me feel slightly better.

  “That is a relief to hear,” James replied.

  “Hold on,” I cried, unmuting the phone. “That’s it? He says he didn’t blow up the loft and you just take him at his word?”

  “Dr. Death...”

  “Perhaps it would behoove you to listen, you idiotic abomination,” Decker explained. “I didn’t say we had nothing to do with leveling that murderous hive of filth. I simply replied to the question at hand...we were not trying to kill you.”

  There was silence from all parties on the line. I wasn’t sure what Decker was trying to say other than to announce he had just gotten off the train at Crazy Town.

  Sally’s mouth opened, but I quickly waved her off. Whatever had been on the tip of her tongue was doubtlessly less than diplomatic. If anything, she probably liked being flash-fried even less than I did.

  Finally James spoke again, his tone stern. “I’m not sure I follow, Mr. Decker. Please explain yourself.”

  “I need explain nothing. I am a dead man walking. We all are. My fate, as that of all the magical covens, is at hand. The future cannot be rewritten, but I can make sure that those who have had a hand in it shall suffer.”

  “And why is that?” James asked.

  “Is it not as plain as the fangs hanging from your mouth?” Decker spat. “The signs are all there. Death looms over us all. The Icon has risen.”

  Oh fuck.

  Party Crashers

  “The Icon!” Colin exclaimed.

  Oh shit. I was afraid of this.

  “Calm down, Colin,” James replied. There was an edge in his voice that hadn’t previously been there. The vampire nation was preparing for war against the Feet. Yeah, that sounds stupid to me too, but what are you gonna do? Primal powers that had long lain dormant would most likely join in the fray. We were potentially looking at a global supernatural showdown that would make the battle of Helms Deep look like a slap fight in comparison. The Icon was the last person that any vampire...other than me, maybe...wanted to meet. Outside of sunlight, silver, and stakes to the heart, vamps are pretty damn tough to kill. It shows in their general everyday arrogance. To introduce a wildcard now, one that could potentially turn a legion of vampires to dust with but a touch of her hand, was a recipe for widespread panic - right when the vampire nation needed it least.