Holier Than Thou (The Tome of Bill) Page 5

  “So not only do you want to kill people and bring them back as vampires, you want to immediately line them up as cannon fodder, too?”

  “Well, if anything happens, at least we wouldn’t have time to get overly attached to them.”

  “That’s fucking evil.”

  “No, that’s realistic.”

  “What about calling Boston and asking their advice?”

  “I don’t think we have much choice there,” she said. “The only question is what we’re going to tell them.”

  That was a good question. I just wished I had a good answer.

  * * *

  We waited until the start of rush hour to ascend from the sewers, figuring there’d be enough humans present to keep us from being blasted into oblivion. Unfortunately, it also meant we ran into a few people on the way up. We got a few odd glances from our somewhat singed look and slight sewer-scented odor. So much for keeping a low profile.

  “Is Starlight even going to be in?” I asked as we reached our floor. “This is typically bedtime.”

  “Well there was a lot of paperwork,” she replied with a smirk.

  “Slave driver.”

  “Flatterer.”

  I needn’t have worried, though. We had no more than stepped through the door when Starlight came running out to meet us. She wore a conservative business suit and had her long black hair tied back in a bun. Holy shit, Sally even had her dressing the part.

  “Bill, Sally, thank goodness! Did you hear what happened?”

  “Don’t know, probably don’t care,” Sally pushed past her and headed for the back.

  I locked the door behind us. “We have some bad news.”

  “I know,” Starlight replied. “The loft is gone.”

  Sally stopped in her tracks and turned. “How’d you know?”

  “It was on the radio.”

  Sally and I exchanged confused glances.

  “What did they say?”

  “It was weird. When the sun came up, the place was just burned out. None of the neighbors saw or heard anything.”

  “I guess they dropped their illusion once the fire was out,” I said to Sally.

  “Apparently so.”

  “Who dropped what?” Starlight asked. “I thought you were throwing a party last night.”

  “We definitely had a blast,” I said.

  “I’m not following you.”

  “What a surprise,” Sally sniffed. “Our wizard friends decided to crash the party last night...explosively so.”

  “Why?” Starlight wasn’t exactly the master strategist of the group, but even she knew better. She turned to me. “They were after you again, weren’t they?”

  I wasn’t sure what Sally had told her about recent events, but it probably wasn’t too extensive. Starlight was trustworthy, but that wouldn’t stop an older vampire from getting anything he wanted out of her.

  “Yep. They still think I’m gonna bring about the birth of the Icon.”

  “Don’t they realize how stupid that is?”

  “Heh, yeah, stupid...” I trailed off, hoping to change the subject. “What else did the news say?”

  “They said the building must have been empty. They didn’t find any bodies.”

  That wasn’t good. When a vampire dies, it typically turns into a pile of ash. In a burnt out building, you’d never notice what could be a veritable vamp graveyard. Deep fried or not, if there were bodies then chances were the vamps attached to them would still be kicking and screaming.

  “Don’t jump to conclusions, Bill,” Sally said. “If anyone survived, I doubt they would have stuck around to talk to the press.”

  She had a point. The second the sun came up, they would have been toast.

  “I have a job for you, Star,” she continued.

  “I’m on it, boss.”

  “Get on the horn. Try every one of our lairs and also any cell phones we have on file. I want to know if anyone else made it out.”

  “You got it.”

  “Bill, you wait here. I have something to take care of.”

  “What?” I demanded. “Whatever it is, there’s no way I’m letting you do it alone.”

  “I’m going to take a shower, and believe me, I’d better be alone...unless, that is, you’d like one more casualty to add to the day.”

  * * *

  As much as I have to admit such a death would be totally worth it, I somehow refrained from peeking. I managed to cobble together a pair of pants and a shirt that fit, if didn’t altogether match, from the hodgepodge of extras in the office - courtesy of past victims. Considering how often I tended to end up on fire, you’d think I’d have left a change of clothes at the office by now. Unfortunately, that and grabbing a few pints of blood from the fridge were the extent of what I could do during daylight hours. It was pointless to try calling Boston before late afternoon.

  That just left checking in on my roommates. Sally asked that I be coy about that first one, as we didn’t know the situation back in Brooklyn. She didn’t try to stop me, though. I knew she was at least somewhat fond of Ed - much in the same way a child might be fond of a pet gerbil - and she didn’t entirely hate Tom.

  I called home and was pleasantly surprised when Ed answered and not some gruff voice telling me, “We have your human cattle, Freewill.” (Hey, it could happen.) Sensing nothing more than general annoyance in Ed’s voice (he was behind in a project at our mutual place of employment), I made up a plausible excuse involving coven-related business - asking him to pass on the message to Dave, my dungeon master, in case he called wondering why I wasn’t there. It was actually as much truth as lie. Sunday was game day after all.

  Dave’s a doctor with lofty ambitions and a shitty bedside manner. He knows I’m a vampire, but unlike Tom or Ed, I keep his knowledge of my undead nature on the down low. Dave’s been experimenting on me, his price for offering me some help a while back. Unfortunately, such things are considered a major no-no in the vampire community. If it were ever found out, we’d be in shit deep enough to fill the Mariana Trench twice over.

  Once I made sure my friends were fine, the waiting game began. Sally locked herself in her office, but not before putting Starlight back to work on some bullshit assignment. Rather than sit and wonder whether survivors or assassins would come bursting through the doors, I commandeered a computer and followed Ed’s lead - getting a little coding done in advance of the work week. I had a feeling I’d be busy over the next few days.

  Sadly, vampire life doesn’t come with a steady paycheck, at least not when Sally is controlling the purse strings, the cheap bitch. Unlike my movie counterparts like Dracula, Edward, or whatever the fuck character Brad Pitt played in that one movie, I have to hold down a day job to keep a roof over my head. My only solace: in another century or two, the interest on my meager bank savings should start to add up. Yep, it was only a matter of time before that two percent put me on easy street. And no, I don’t believe that bullshit for a second, either.

  * * *

  Four o’clock rolled around, and we had confirmed three additional survivors by that time. That put the infernal forces under my command at a grand total of four, five if you count Sally.

  Alfonso, the aforementioned undead hair stylist, hadn’t been at the party. He called to let us know that one of his clients had been in need of an emergency manicure, requiring his immediate attention. Sally’s squeal of delight at his survival didn’t help my mood. We might be thoroughly fucked, but at least she’d be well-coifed while it happened.

  The other two were Dread Stalker and Firebird, two holdovers from the days when Jeff ruled the coven. Dread Stalker was a fucking psycho, no two ways about it. He had been one of Jeff’s favorites - innocent looking on the outside, but one of the coven’s top hunters. In fact, that was the very reason he had survived the previous night. He had arrived late to the party after scouting for some additional refreshments.

  Firebird hadn’t been nearly as lucky. She crawled into the of
fice mid-afternoon, having pulled her way through the sewers. She’d been present when the fireworks started. It hadn’t been pretty.

  She was a smoking hot redhead. When I first met her, she’d existed for seemingly no other reason than to be Jeff’s personal sex toy. Just for the record, though, she looks much hotter when she has skin. Before blacking out, she managed to tell us that she’d been standing near the windows at the back of the building when the loft went up like a Roman candle. She’d been flung through the glass and onto the street below.

  After hearing Firebird’s tale, Sally shrugged and walked silently back into her office. Her meaning was clear. Anyone who hadn’t been as lucky was most likely dust in the wind by now.

  Starlight and I carried Firebird to a back room, and set her up with an IV transfusion of bottled blood. The blood, combined with accelerated healing, would get her back on her feet within a day or so. Hopefully it would leave her looking less gross, too.

  After we got Firebird situated, Sally popped her head out of her office.

  “It’s probably safe to call Boston now.”

  I nodded, gave the others specific orders to stay put, and then locked myself in with her. It was sure to be quite the interesting call.

  The Conference Call of Cthulhu

  James didn’t answer his cell phone. Being the newest member of our ruling coven probably kept him busy. We tried the main line for Boston instead and hoped for the best - kind of like getting on a call with tier one tech support in India and naïvely expecting that a solution was forthcoming.

  “How may I direct your call?” the bored voice on the other end asked.

  “We need to speak with James,” Sally replied.

  “James? I don’t know of any James, unless you mean...”

  Sally sighed and said, “I would like to speak with James the Wanderer, esteemed member of the First Coven.” She gave me a look of disgust. Sally wasn’t exactly big on ceremony.

  “All glory to the First!” the operator replied.

  Sally hit mute on the speakerphone. “Ass-kisser.”

  I failed to suppress a smirk as she unmuted the phone and the office drone on the other end finished their verbal genuflecting. “The First, praise be to them, are not in the habit of taking calls. I will warn you that...”

  “Oh quit the shit,” Sally snapped. “It’s an emergency. It’s about the Freewill.”

  “You know the Freewill?”

  “Yeah,” I chimed in, “she’s sitting right next to me.”

  “Sorry...sir,” came the reply. “Praise be to the one who shall lead our armies in battle...”

  “We’re kind of in a rush here,” Sally interrupted.

  “Oh...sorry. Hold please.”

  Bland elevator music began to play as she muted the speaker again.

  “Are they always like that?”

  “Yep. Aside from James, I’m pretty sure Boston exclusively employs a legion of boot-lickers.”

  “And zombies,” I added, remembering the not-so ravenous hordes of the undead the vampire nation liked to use as clerical help.

  “They smell bad, but at least they keep their fucking mouths shut...those that have mouths, anyway. That’s more than I can say for most of those assholes.”

  Almost as if summoned, a familiar oily voice came onto the line. “Can I help you?”

  “Colin?” Sally asked, unable to disguise her dislike for James’s assistant. They apparently had history, but she had never let me in on what that was. If I had to guess, though, I’d say Colin was an ex fuck-buddy gone sour. Of course when it came to Sally, I sort of assumed the same of everyone she knew.

  There was nothing but silence on the other end. “Colin, are you still there?”

  “Oh I’m here...just waiting for you to address me properly.”

  “What the hell are you talking about?”

  “Since you’re a little slow on the uptake, as usual, I’ll give you a hint. That’s Regional Coven Master, Colin, prefect for the northeastern United States to you.”

  “No fucking way.”

  “Oh yes,” he replied eagerly. “James’s promotion left an open spot and I, already knowing and...dare I say...excelling at the job, was the natural choice.”

  Sally’s nails dug into the arms of her chair as she listened to him gloat. It was probably only a matter of time before she said something that would get us hung up on.

  “Congratulations, Coven Master Colin.” I figured it was easier to give him a little mollification. No skin off my teeth as at the end of the day he’d still be an asshole.

  Sally’s eyes grew wide and she mouthed, “What the fuck?!”

  I gestured for her to relax. My experience in corporate America taught me how to play the game.

  “Is that you, Freewill?”

  “It is.”

  “Always a pleasure,” he replied flatly.

  “Likewise. We were hoping to speak to James.” Bantering with Colin was pointless. He disliked Sally and his opinion of me was even lower.

  “The First are not at your beck and call, nor do they speak with children. You two really should know the rules, but then again, I guess that’s to be expected.”

  “We have a special exception from James and you know it,” Sally spat.

  I hit mute. “We do?”

  “Uh, yeah. Unlike you, I haven’t spent the past month jerking off to anime. Shit is going down and you’re gonna be a part of it whether you like it or not. I talked to James and he agreed that the least they can do is answer the fucking phone for us.”

  She had a good point. I’d been avoiding reality while she dealt with it head-on.

  “That exception is only to be used in times of emergency.”

  “You’re right, Colin,” Sally replied as she unmuted the phone. “So how does our entire fucking coven being wiped out by a bunch of magic-wielding assholes sound to you? Is that emergency enough?”

  “Well...”

  She turned beet red - quite an accomplishment for someone lacking a heartbeat. “They were trying to kill the Freewill!” she snapped.

  There was a pause as Colin no doubt tried to figure out how to stonewall us some more. “Very well. I guess that does count as a potential emergency.”

  “Potential...”

  “Don’t get your panties in a bunch, Sally, my dear. Assuming you wear them, something I highly doubt...”

  I snatched the phone out of the way as her fist came down on the heavy desk, leaving a visible crack in its surface.

  “What was that?”

  “Nothing,” I replied. “Must be a glitch in the line.”

  “I suppose, considering the circumstances, this news should be shared,” he made no attempt to hide his scorn. “Hold while I check to see if James is available to join us.”

  “Wait,” I said. “Join us?”

  “Of course, Freewill. I am in charge of the wellbeing of your coven now, after all. As this concerns me, it’s only appropriate that I take the lead in investigating this heinous crime.” His emphasis indicated that any sorrow he might’ve felt at my plight was only because my attackers hadn’t succeeded.

  If this was the new power structure, eternal life would be a very long time indeed.

  * * *

  Colin took a good long while. Sally passed the time with a string of angry insults as to what a fucktard he was. It was highly amusing to listen to her vent about someone who wasn’t me for a change.

  Finally, just when I was starting to suspect we’d been purposely forgotten, we were taken off hold.

  “Hello, Sally, are you still there?” James asked from the speakerphone. Hearing him, I immediately felt a little better. In a world populated by backbiting, supernatural assholes, James was one of the few exceptions. He wasn’t exactly a saint - I had once seen him tear through a gang of street thugs like they were made of tissue paper - but he had always been cool to me.

  “James it’s...”

  Colin’s greasy voice cut her off. �
��Eh hem! Please rise to show respect for the Wanderer, bold explorer of the shadows and esteemed member of the First Coven.”

  Rise? What a fucking douchebag.

  “All glory to the First!” No doubt his lips were nice and puckered up for James’s ass. “His eminence is recognized.”

  “Thank you, Colin, I’m sure,” James replied dryly. It was painfully obvious that his tolerance for his former aide was limited. There was more than one reason I liked him.

  “Are we done yet?” Sally asked. “Because we have...”

  “The children shall not speak until the First addresses them to do so!” Colin snapped.

  Motherfucker! The guy probably had the rules tattooed to his eyelids, although surely part of it was because he disliked us.

  “Colin, please,” James’s tone showed his restraint was barely hanging on. “I think we can suspend protocol for the Freewill.”

  “Very well, my lord.” Though Colin’s words were entirely subservient, there was an undertone of fuck-you to his tone.

  “Thank you,” James replied flatly before addressing us. “I apologize for not answering earlier...”

  “The First need never apologize to...”

  “Colin, please!” James’s voice had an edge this time. That finally shut up the little ass-kisser. The silence hung in the air for several seconds.

  “Sally, my dear, please forgive me. My new duties, combined with our combat preparations, have, alas, taken up a great deal of my time.”

  “I can understand,” she replied with a smile on her face. No doubt her expression was at the fact that Colin was probably seething at that moment.

  “I’m not being flippant when I say I truly doubt that.”

  “Anything we can help with?” I asked, immediately realizing how stupid it probably sounded.

  James chuckled. “Thank you, Dr. Death.” At the time I was turned, Jeff had a dumbass rule in place that called for all members to adopt new code names, for lack of a better word, hence why coven members had names like Starlight and Dread Stalker. Dr. Death had been mine.