The Tome of Bill (Book 5): Goddamned Freaky Monsters Read online

  “I was going to...”

  “No, you weren’t. Let’s not bullshit ourselves here. You’d have pined for her until such time that she married some other dude. Then you’d have spent the next ten years being fucking miserable and wondering where it all went wrong when the answer was blindingly...”

  “Shouldn’t you have a goatee?”

  “Huh?”

  I smirked, having finally caught my asshole inner-self by surprise. “I thought all evil duplicates were supposed to have goatees.”

  “Remember that mustache you tried to grow in high school...certain that the chicks would dig your manly facial hair?”

  “Yeah, it wound up looking really fucking stupid.”

  “Same principle applies. Now, do you have anything real to ask, or should I just kick your ass out of here and get back to my show?”

  “You’re kicking me out of my own apartment?”

  “Technically this is my apartment. No, that’s not true. It’s more my cage. You’ve just been keeping it warm for me.”

  “Cage?”

  “Yeah. It’s where you keep me chained most of the time while you’re busy fucking everything up.”

  I looked around, doubtful.

  “What?" He shrugged. "Just because I’m a prisoner doesn’t mean I have to suffer for it.”

  “So if this is your cage, then what am I doing here?”

  “You don’t know?”

  “No idea.”

  Parallel universe Bill put his feet up and took another long pull on his beer, draining it. He let out a loud belch. “I guess that’s not too much of a surprise. That much adrenaline coursing through a brain for that long is sure to fuck up one’s short-term memory. Don’t worry; I’m sure it’ll all come screaming back to you in excruciating clarity...probably at a time when it’s least convenient.”

  “You do realize I have no clue what you’re talking about, right?”

  “That makes it even more fun. Bottom line is this: we switched places. You willingly gave up control and retreated here. That left me free to take over.”

  Oh shit, that didn’t sound particularly reassuring. The person sitting in front of me wore my face, but if he truly represented what I’d come to call my Dr. Death persona, that meant on the outside, I had become a rampaging hell-beast. Who knew what atrocities I’d committed while he was in charge?

  “Yes.”

  “Yes, what?” I asked.

  “We killed a shitload of people.”

  “Oh, fuck...”

  “Although not in the way you think...or that I’d have preferred.”

  “I’m not following you.”

  He put the empty bottle down and raised a hand to scratch the back of his head. “You’re too much of a pussy to share. I knew there could never be a compromise between us, so I longed for the day you’d willingly give up control. I made a promise to myself that once I became the dominant personality, I wouldn’t come back here ever again - no matter what.”

  “Okay. So why are you?”

  “Turns out that old saying about being careful what you wish for is more apt than I would’ve suspected.”

  I raised a bemused eyebrow at that.

  “What?” he asked, his tone surly.

  “It’s just funny to hear you waxing philosophical. I thought you were supposed to be a mindless rampaging monster.”

  “When you’re cooped up in solitary, with only limited time for recess, you tend not to waste much breath with the small talk. It’s more fun that way too. Speaking of which...” My doppelganger stood and stepped over to me. “It’s been a blast chatting, but you really need to get the fuck out of here now.” He grabbed my arm and pulled me to my feet.

  “Hold on,” I protested. “What the hell do you mean?”

  “It’s simple.” He dragged me toward the door. I tried to put on the brakes, but he was a lot stronger than he looked. “That fucker has been torturing me nonstop for months now. I’m tired, plain and simple - not to mention bored out of my fucking skull. I need a break.”

  “What fucker...and what torture?”

  “You’ll see...in fact, considering the time, I think you’ll see far more than you want to.” He chuckled again. “Hell, I might stay awake just long enough to see the expression on our face.”

  Dr. Death pulled the door open, and I saw that there wasn’t a hallway beyond as expected - just a bunch of dark nothingness. What the fuck? I put out my hands and grabbed both sides of the frame to halt my progress. I didn’t want to go. It was safe here, familiar. I had no idea what was waiting for me outside. I wasn’t sure why I was here to begin with, but there must’ve been something out there that had caused me to retreat deep inside of myself.

  “Have fun, Bill. Oh, and try not to need me too much. As of right now, I am officially on vacation, and I tend to be a sound sleeper.”

  “Wait...”

  But I was too little, too late with my final protest. He gave one last shove and I was propelled forward into the void. The faint sound of a door being slammed shut accompanied me into the darkness.

  * * *

  “Freewill, it is time.”

  I opened my eyes and sat up with a start. What the fuck?! The nothingness I’d been floating in immediately receded. What was left in its place wasn’t much of an improvement, though.

  I was sitting upon what felt like a pile of broken rocks poking me in all sorts of unpleasant ways. Having shards of granite stuck in my ass was all the motivation I needed to clamber to my feet. Looking around, I didn’t see much. Everything around me was basically just formless blobs of fuzziness. Where the hell were my glasses?

  I reached down to check my pockets, but didn’t find them - nor anything else, for that matter.

  Not quite willing to believe what my hands were telling me, I looked down at myself. Forget my glasses - where the fuck were my clothes? I was standing there buck-ass naked.

  “Ahem.”

  And I was apparently not alone.

  A figure stood about ten feet away, little more than a semi-fuzzy shape against a colorless background. Crossing my fingers that it was friendly, I shuffled forward - stopping dead in my tracks the moment his mismatched eyes came into focus.

  Oh, shit.

  Standing before me was Alexander the Great, conqueror of the ancient world and leader of the First Coven - the vampire ruling body. His presence was only part of my shock, though. He was naked, too - his muscular form glistening with oil.

  What the fuck had I gotten myself into?

  A Shock to the System

  “Well, this is most disappointing.” Alex sighed, standing there as if having his dick out was the most natural thing in the world for him.

  “Uh, listen,” I stammered, holding my hands up and backing away. “I’m...err...glad to see you, but not that glad, if you know what I mean.”

  “I see our weekly wrestling match will need to be postponed.”

  Wrestling match? In the nude?

  Before I could ask what the fuck was going on, he made an about face and walked away from me - quickly fading out of focus again. I heard the squeal of hinges and then a slam as something heavy was shut. “The Freewill has reverted again. Make sure he is made presentable.” His voice was heavily muffled, but my sensitive vampire ears made out the annoyed inflection behind his words. “We have a very important guest arriving soon, and I will not tolerate being embarrassed in front of him.”

  Presentable? Hopefully, that meant they’d at least be giving me a pair of pants. There was something about standing around with my wang swinging in the wind that threw me off my game a bit.

  Of course, while clothes would be nice, they still wouldn’t begin to answer the all-important question of where the fuck I was.

  As I pondered this, that sound of squealing metal came again. Wherever I was, there seemed to be a really heavy door leading into it. Somehow, I had the feeling that it wasn’t there for ornamental purposes.

  The sound of footsteps
reached my ears as the glow of a flickering light approached - damn my nearsightedness. One of these days, I really needed to invest in LASIK.

  The leader was holding a torch to light the way. I was able to make out four of them, whoever they were. They finally approached close enough for me to tell they were all wearing black robes with matching hoods. That didn’t bode well. Typically, one didn’t find room service clad in such attire.

  “Uh, hey, guys,” I said as they spread out to surround me. “I don’t suppose you have a spare pair of boxer shorts.”

  “Your glorious form is requested, Freewill,” one of them replied in a German accent.

  Before I could ask what that meant, the four of them produced long metallic rods from out of their robes. Electricity arced at the ends of them.

  Oh, crap. I had a feeling that whatever shock I’d felt at waking up here was going to be nothing compared to what they had in mind.

  * * *

  As far as leisure activities were concerned, being tazed was about one of the least fun things I could imagine. Go figure, though. Being tazed while naked was even less enjoyable.

  I immediately crumpled into a little ball of crispy-fried pain as all four of them assaulted me in unison. Opening my mouth to scream did nothing, save provide one of them with the opportunity to stick his cattle prod into it, leaving me with the wonderful taste of burning tongue.

  They moved in and continued in their zapping, convincing me once and for all to never date anyone with an electric dildo fetish. There was no way for me to cover my exposed flesh from their attacks mainly because I was currently nothing but exposed flesh.

  Again and again they hit me, each time picking a new spot to charbroil. My consciousness, reclaimed only moments earlier, was reduced to nothing but pain and the smell of my own cooked skin. Why was this happening? Was this some sort of punishment? Had my past transgressions against the vampire nation been found out?

  After a few more moments of electrocution, none of it mattered because I could no longer form coherent thoughts. My waking mind ebbed as I once more began to retreat into myself. A red haze of pain and rage descended over my blurry vision.

  I knew what it meant.

  In the past, I’d fought against it - managed to fend off the beast - but then something had changed. I’d given up for some reason, allowing the creature inside free rein. Now it seemed as if my time back in the real world would be a short one. I was about to hand over the keys to the castle again. Without knowing the hows or whys of my torture, I had nothing to grasp onto to keep me fighting against it.

  Long moments passed, and I continued to have the shit shocked out of me. Nothing changed, though, except maybe my body receiving several new and interesting burn marks.

  What the fuck?

  Where was my Mr. Hyde?

  I was in pain, massively pissed off, and continuing to be turned into a French fry...in short, all the right ingredients for a Dr. Death sandwich with a side of ass-kicking. Yet, for some reason, I was still me. It didn’t make any sense.

  I tend to be a sound sleeper.

  Oh shit.

  I’d no idea what my evil alternate-self had meant when he’d said that, but now it was beginning to become painfully obvious.

  I was on my own.

  * * *

  “Why does he not honor us with his glorious power?” one of the robed assholes asked.

  The attacks against me momentarily ceased. They were probably as confused as I was. Unfortunately, I doubted it would last. I was barely in control of my muscles - twitching in a little ball on the floor. There was also the fact that I was outnumbered four to one by foes I knew nothing about.

  Thankfully, beast-mode or not, I wasn’t without a few tricks up my sleeve. Pity I didn’t have any sleeves at the moment.

  Regaining just enough control of my limbs to take a wild shot, I sat up and swung my arm clumsily at the nearest of them.

  Bingo! My blow connected solidly into his crotch with a disturbingly loud crunch - hard enough so that somewhere in the future any unborn children this guy had were screaming as they were erased from history.

  He went down with a cry of pain, distracting his buddies just enough for me to leap at another of them. Before he or his friends could drag me off, I bit down into his neck through the robe.

  Short of Kevlar, there aren’t too many fabrics that are gonna withstand vampire fangs, and thankfully these guys didn’t rate high enough on the pay scale to warrant that. I tore through it and into him with no problem.

  Blood flowed from the wound, and I quickly sucked it down. It was my only chance to even the odds. The ability to turn into a rampaging hell-beast was just one of the extra powers I possessed as the Freewill of vampire legend. I could resist compulsion, the vampire equivalent of mind-control - which was pretty awesome. Better yet, I could do what no other vamps could...drink the blood of the undead without retching my guts out. Doing so temporarily added their strength to my own - pumping me up like I was on supernatural PCP.

  The hooded douche flailed against me, putting up a much weaker struggle than I’d have guessed - the pussy. I took a long swallow and gave him a shove, sending him flying back past the edge of my clear vision.

  Now I was gonna show these fuckers exactly what I was made of. Any second now and his blood would power me up; increasing my strength and healing all my wounds.

  Yep, any second...

  And, of course, nothing happened.

  Jesus fucking Christ, was that power burnt out too? I just couldn’t catch a fucking break. I mean, what was next? Was Alex going to return and compel me to bend over so he could finish whatever he’d had in mind when I woke up? That would be just my luck. Ever since I’d been turned, the vampire nation had continually fucked me over, figuratively. I guess it was only fitting that they’d eventually decide to go all the way with that analogy.

  I sighed and licked my lips. At least the blood had been refreshing. I wouldn’t have to die thirsty.

  Hold on...there was something slightly different about the taste that I hadn’t noticed earlier. Then it hit me.

  “Are you guys humans?”

  Well, this was a bit awkward. I’d been expecting a bunch of seasoned vamps. Instead, I got a foursome of regular people, making me feel ever so slightly insulted. I mean, I’m not the most terrifying monster in the pack, but my track record wasn’t that bad.

  My hurt feelings would have to wait, though. With one down cradling his crushed nut-sack and another holding his gushing neck, that still left two high-voltage cattle-prod wielding foes.

  For all I knew, they might’ve been ninjas. At the very least, I expected them to be heavily trained mercenaries.

  Either way, I was in for a fight.

  * * *

  Or not.

  Their advantage of surprise taken away, the two remaining humans turned out to be surprisingly inept. They pretty much just came straight at me, holding their shock rods out in front of them. With vampire strength and speed at my disposal, not to mention having been in my fair share of scraps, they were both down and out within seconds.

  I actually stood there with my mouth agape in surprise for longer than it took to beat them. I’d faced down so many badass enemies - ones whose power made mine look like nothing in comparison - that I barely knew what it was like to administer a beat down.

  But you know what? It felt pretty goddamned good.

  I allowed myself a moment to raise my hands victoriously in the air, Rocky Balboa style - at least before those last two movies - before remembering that I was doing so with my dick flapping free in the breeze.

  Fortunately, I had my gaming experience to fall back upon. What’s the first thing a party of adventurers does upon beating a group of enemies? Why, steal all of their shit, of course.

  A part of me felt bad for taking out a group of regular people, especially the one I’d put the bite on - but that was heavily offset by the fact that they’d worked my ass over with stun guns.
Fuck it. The assholes were lucky I was a lot less of a prick about these things than other vamps.

  I pulled the robe from the nearest of my attackers, revealing he was as naked as I underneath it. Jesus Christ, had I been kidnapped by some sort of fucking supernatural nudist colony?

  The hell with that. I did my best thinking when I wasn’t in danger of slapping dicks with people who were trying to kick my ass. I pulled the garment over my head, immediately feeling a bit better, then moved on to the others.

  The next one was as scantily equipped as the first. Fuck me. If Dave, my group’s dungeon master, had ever given my party such shitty amounts of treasure, he’d have had a riot on his hands at the game table.

  Jackpot! The third guy, the one whose balls I smashed into paste, was wearing a pair of wireframe glasses. Not daring to hope for much, I placed them upon my face and was delighted to find I was able to see where the fuck I was. It wasn’t a perfect match, probably ensuring me a headache in short order, but was close enough to my prescription that I wouldn’t be stumbling around completely blind.

  I was in what looked to be some sort of dungeon created out of a natural cavern. Rather than smooth carved stone, jagged outcroppings lined the walls, as well as parts of the floor and ceiling. The place was pretty spacious, at least twice the size of my whole apartment back in New York - albeit considerably less cozy.

  The walls were covered in gouges and rocky debris littered the floor. It wasn’t too hard to guess that my Dr. Death persona had been none too happy with the accommodations. Go figure - must’ve been the shitty room service or something.

  It was only then that the underlying stench of the place registered with my nose. It absolutely reeked. A part of me hoped that I wasn’t the source. After all, I didn’t exactly see shower facilities in the immediate vicinity...or a toilet, for that matter.

  That wasn’t entirely the case, though. I recognized dried blood amongst the rank odors. Following my nose, I stepped around a grouping of stalagmites and found the source - immediately understanding what Dr. Death had meant when he mentioned the people we’d killed.