Holier Than Thou (The Tome of Bill) Read online

  Finally, Tom passed out, and we dragged his ass to bed. From the look Ed gave me as we shut the door, he had figured out the implications as well.

  “Still in this with me?” I asked. “If you’re not, I’m...”

  “Oh, quit whining like a bitch,” he said dismissively. “Of course I’m still in.”

  “What about Tom?”

  “He’ll be fine. Probably puke his guts out before morning, though. I’m not cleaning that shit up.”

  “Don’t look at me,” I replied before getting back to my point. “I meant afterwards”

  “I know. At some point you’re gonna have to tell him.”

  “How do you think he’ll take it?”

  A pensive look came over his face. Finally, he said, “For the life of me, I have no fucking idea. This whole scenario is so far out there...beats the hell out of me.”

  “Tell me about it.”

  “You will have to tell him, though.”

  “I know. I owe him that much.”

  “Yeah...but not tonight. Probably not tomorrow either.”

  I nodded.

  “So what do we do right now?” he asked.

  “Only thing that comes to mind. Call Sally.”

  “Sounds good to me.”

  “Keep it in your pants, dude.”

  “Bite me.”

  “I thought that was her job.”

  * * *

  “You’re kidding me,” Sally said over the speaker.

  “I assure you we are not.”

  “I can’t believe that fucktard was allowed to breed. He’s a walking poster child for selective sterilization.”

  “There is an argument for that,” Ed replied.

  “Oh well. Hopefully the brat inherits her brains.”

  “Yeah, about that...”

  “I know what it means, Bill. You don’t have to spell it out.”

  I sighed. Sally had the luxury, if you could call it that, of not being overly burdened by morals, ethics, or guilt. Some days I envied that.

  “So anything going on coven-side?” I asked, changing the subject.

  “Just battening down the hatches, so to speak.”

  “Any word on things?”

  “I’ve been on the horn ever since I woke up.”

  “And?”

  “And there’s a good deal of freaking out going on out there. Covens all over the tri-state area are busy packing up their shit and getting to their safe houses.”

  “Colin?”

  “I don’t doubt it. He’s all about secrets when it suits him, but I bet he couldn’t resist telling everyone with a pair of ears how he was in charge of hunting the mighty Icon. Either way, it’s not a secret anymore.”

  “Maybe that’s a good thing.”

  “I guess we’ll see. At the very least James will probably chew him a new asshole for it.”

  “Speaking of...”

  “Don’t bother asking. I haven’t heard from him.”

  “Boston?”

  “Nada there. They’re stonewalling me. Whatever they have planned, we aren’t meant to be privy to it.”

  “So much for respecting the Freewill,” I groused.

  “Colin doesn’t respect anybody who doesn’t outrank him. Until such time as the Draculas call you up as a general, he’ll shit on you without a second thought.”

  “Thanks for the imagery.”

  “Any time.”

  “So where’s that leave us?” Ed asked.

  “Up shit’s creek, but at this point I’m getting used to it.”

  “I know the feeling,” I said.

  “It’s not much, but I think we should try your plan, Ed. It’s better than sitting around with our thumbs up our asses.”

  “It’s too late...”

  “I meant tomorrow. The forecast changed and they’re calling for clouds now, so we should be okay. I’ll meet you guys at the Icon’s office in the early PM.”

  “Think we’ll find her there?”

  “Who the fuck knows at this point. As I said, it’s better than nothing.”

  “Agreed.”

  “Alright then, be there or...”

  “Be square?” I finished her sentence.

  “Actually, I was gonna say be completely fucked.”

  Somehow, I had a feeling we were already well on our way to that destination.

  * * *

  Despite being somewhat hungover, Tom got up for work. His company was performing an audit on a client and he needed to be there.

  “Hopefully we’ll find some irregularities,” he said on his way out. “That’ll make me feel better.”

  “I’m sure they’re glad they have you on their side,” Ed had replied.

  Rather than tip off Tom that anything was up, we decided to head out a little later than him. It gave us both the added benefit of being able to get some work done. Our jobs weren’t exactly top priority these days, but going into the global apocalypse unemployed would probably make things suck even worse. Sue us for holding onto a piece of normalcy.

  This time, the weatherman had been correct. It was overcast with a chance of light rain the entire day. I could deal with being soggy. It beat slathering on sunscreen and dressing up like some sort of half-assed terrorist.

  Around noon I called Sally to give her a wake-up call, then Ed and I hit the road.

  According to her business card, Sheila’s office was downtown in an area where a lot of small businesses were headquartered. It wasn’t exactly cheap, but renting a floor there put you pretty much in the middle of the action. For those lucky to survive, it was well worth the investment. The last time I had spoken to Sheila, I had gotten the impression that she had more than survived. Her business had been thriving. As for now...well, finding out you’re a being of legendary status would probably be distracting for even the most stalwart workaholic.

  “Any idea what you’re going to say if she’s there?” Ed asked on the train ride over.

  “I’m sure something will come to mind.”

  “Famous last words.”

  “Don’t I know it.”

  * * *

  “This is the place,” Sally declared.

  “Wow,” I said, reading the building directory. “They have space on two floors. Must be doing pretty good.”

  “Yeah, well, she’s gonna be doing a whole lot less good if Decker’s fun bunch finds her first.”

  “Fingers crossed, guys,” I said, entering the elevator. I hit the button to take us to the sixth floor where the reception area was supposed to be. When in doubt, walk in the front door.

  “Fingers, toes, and a few other appendages that I’d prefer not to mention,” Ed replied.

  “Aw, what’s the matter? Feeling shy?” Sally asked with a wicked little smile.

  “Ramp down the libido, Sluterella,” I said. “We’re on the clock. Oh wait, that’s normal for you during work hours.”

  “Not too late for me to call Colin and spill my guts.”

  “Shutting up now.”

  “I thought so.”

  The doors opened and my mind went completely blank at the thought of seeing her. After a few moments, the doors began to shut again as we stood unmoving. Sally put out her hand and stopped them.

  “We staying here all day?”

  “Sorry.” I stepped past Ed. “Not a fucking word.” He smirked, but had the good graces to heed my warning.

  Glass double doors with a large Iconic Efficiencies logo faced us as we stepped from the elevator. The lights were on, and someone sat behind the reception desk.

  “Looks like they’re open,” I said, half surprised to see it myself. Was it possible that, after everything that had gone down, Sheila somehow managed to go on with life, business as usual? It didn’t seem likely, but the view before us was a vision of pure, corporate normalcy.

  “Time to see if we can get on the calendar,” Ed replied.

  I nodded and stepped forward, my two companions in tow. We went through the door and approach
ed the front desk. A young man, dressed in business casual, sat behind it.

  “He’s kinda cute,” Sally whispered. “Do you think she and him...”

  “Not now,” I spat back. Goddamn, she just never fucking quit, did she?

  The man looked up. “Can I help you?”

  “Uh, yeah. We’d like to see Sheila.” Okay, maybe not the most profound opening line ever. “Uh, Sheila O’Connell, she’s the...”

  “I’m aware who the president is,” he chuckled. “Do you have an appointment?”

  An appointment? That meant she was in. Holy shit!

  “I...” My voice froze in my throat. Oh crap. All of my old insecurities rushed up. Stupid subconscious! I had fought and defeated multiple master vampires. I’d faced down a monstrous ape in the frozen wastelands of Canada. Hell, I had even survived a couple of days with Gan. Yet, despite all that, my knees knocked together like I was picking up my date for the junior prom.

  “Sir?”

  Was he talking to me? What was I even doing here? I kind of recall it being sorta important. I...

  “Oh Jesus Christ,” Ed said from behind me. “We’re friends of hers...from Hopskotchgames. We were just stopping by to say hi.”

  The man eyed us for a moment, his eyes shifting back and forth amongst the three of us.

  Finally, I found my voice. “I know she’s probably busy, but we just wanted to see her for a few minutes.”

  “Hopskotchgames, you said?”

  “Yes.”

  He appeared to consider this for a second. “I believe her calendar is free right now.”

  “Really?” I sputtered, no doubt sounding way too overenthusiastic.

  “I’m sure she won’t mind the interruption.” He stood up. “Follow me please.”

  * * *

  The receptionist led us deeper into the building. We walked past a few empty offices and a small sea of cubes, likewise devoid of activity. Guess it was the lunch hour.

  “Be on your guard, Bill,” Sally whispered from behind me, speaking at a volume that she knew only I’d hear.

  I glanced back toward her and raised my eyebrows.

  “When’s the last time your manager saw some schlubs right off the street?” she asked in that barely audible tone. “He didn’t even call to check to see if she was free.”

  Oh shit. She was right. The receptionist in any organization served the dual function of gatekeeper...keeping the rabble out. Hell, Ed and I definitely weren’t wearing our business best and Sally...well as usual, she could have just stepped in from working a corner on forty-second street.

  Duh! I was such a fucking dumbass. There was one way to tell for sure whether this dude was on the up and up. Sheila’s apartment had practically been swimming with her scent. I took a deep breath and reached out with my senses. Only the faintest odor of her perfume penetrated my nostrils. There were other scents overpowering it and they were definitely not hers.

  A split second after I registered the number of people in the general vicinity, Sally whispered, “Two more of them.”

  “This way please,” our not-so-gracious host said as he held a door open for us.

  Oh well, in for a penny. I stepped through into what had once probably been a good sized conference area...possibly a town meeting hall for a company of this size. It was now devoid of all furnishings. The only thing that stood in the room was another man. His dress was similar to the first, typical business casual.

  As we approached, he looked at the three of us before his eyes settled upon mine.

  “Welcome, vampire. We’ve been expecting you.”

  The God Squad

  *Click* The door had been shut behind us. Nice to know some clichés still applied in life. Still, just for shits and giggles, I glanced around, glad I did. The original man guarded the door, and the third I had smelled joined him. This new joker was dressed considerably less formal than his compatriots. In fact he could have just stepped in from an afternoon of LARPing. He wore armor, chainmail if my D&D knowledge served me right. A red cloak covered his shoulders, and a sheathed sword completed the look. Somehow I was willing to bet it wasn’t a prop.

  Fortunately, this served to snap me out of my funk. Talking to a girl was utterly terrifying. Facing off against three probable adversaries, on the other hand, none of whom appeared to be a vampire or a Sasquatch...well, not so much.

  “I’m gonna go out on a limb here and assume you’re not gonna serve lunch,” I quipped.

  “Speak for yourself,” Sally replied. *sigh* No self-control in that one.

  “We knew you would come for the Blessed One, praise be to our Lord for smiling upon her,” the man in front of us said, stepping forward.

  “Oh Jesus,” Ed sighed. “This fucker sounds like my Aunt Dottie.”

  “Do not take his name in vain!” the man spat, immediately losing his cool. “Thralls are no better than the devils they serve.”

  “Heh, you’re our thrall,” Sally snickered. She wasn’t taking this too seriously. I could understand why. Even with Sir Lancelot back there, the threat registered pretty low compared to what we had faced off against in the past.

  “Okay,” I put my hands up in a placating manner. I didn’t know who these clowns were, but it was a safe bet that the Blessed One he referred to was Sheila. If so, they knew something, and I wanted to know what that something was before Sally decided it was time to start pruning limbs. “We’re not here to fight. In fact I think we might actually be on the same side.”

  “I think not, spawn of the pit,” the man scoffed, reaching inside of his jacket and pulling out what looked like a rosary. He brought it up to his lips and gave it a small kiss. Great. What next, was he going to start handing out pamphlets? “I serve a higher power, one whose light you shall never know.”

  “Says you,” Sally snapped back. “I made communion in the second grade.”

  I turned and raised an eyebrow. Sally as a good little Catholic girl? Now there was an image.

  “Don’t start,” she warned.

  I smirked before turning back to the holy roller in front of me. “Fair enough,” I said, trying to sound friendly. “I assume you guys know who I am.”

  “Obviously you are one of the undead. We could smell your stench the moment you walked in the door.”

  “Guess it’s time to switch deodorants, Bill.”

  “Make light of the situation all you want, strumpet of Satan,” the receptionist said. “We, the Templar, have been sent to escort you back to the gates of Hell from whence you came.”

  “Templar?” Ed and I asked in unison.

  “Strumpet of Satan?” Sally growled. Her priorities were, as usual, not quite in line with the rest of ours.

  “Relax,” I said to her.

  “Easy for you to say, he didn’t call you...”

  “Oh please, you practically have that written on your business cards.”

  Ed chuckled and Sally threw him a glare.

  “Find something funny, fleshwad?”

  “Me?” he quickly replied. “Nope, just...coughing.”

  “Thought so.”

  I turned around, intent on trying to get us back on track - Sally’s wounded ego aside. “The Templar? Did I hear him right?”

  “Indeed you did. Know that you stand in the presence of God’s true warriors.”

  “Shouldn’t you guys be out questing for...I don’t know...the Holy Grail?” Ed asked.

  “Fool! The Grail was found long ago,” the dude in the armor proudly proclaimed. “Even now it rests within the...”

  “That will be quite enough, Brother Robert,” the man in front interrupted. Heh, guess sword boy wasn’t exactly recruited for his stunning intellect.

  “This is all fascinating,” I said. “I can respect you guys. I saw Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, I can dig it. Right now, though, we need to find my friend.”

  “Friend?” he scoffed at me.

  “Yes, I have friends,” I replied, perhaps a little more defe
nsively than intended. “Her name is Sheila and she’s...”

  “You are no friend of the Blessed One. Those of her caliber do not consort with those of yours.”

  “Can’t blame a guy for trying to date out of his league,” Sally said.

  I gritted my teeth, trying to keep from puncturing my bottom lip with my own fangs. Must...learn...to...ignore...Sally. I mentally counted to ten before starting again. “Listen, I know this is hard to believe, but we’re trying to help her.”

  “Help her? How, by presenting yourself so that she might cleanse this world of you with her touch?” The man openly caressed his rosary. He ran the beads through his hand as if he were mentally saying his prayers. Christ, my grandmother used to do that. It would drive me batshit at Thanksgiving.

  “Not quite. I understand what she’s going through and I want to keep her safe from those who are hunting her.”

  “You understand what she’s going through? I highly doubt that, vampire.”

  “I do,” I kept my hands up and my tone placating. I needed to make these fuckers understand that we were here to help. “I know what it’s like because I’m the vampire Freewill. I didn’t ask for this...”

  “The Freewill!” he shouted. “We will all die before letting you have her, spawn.” Okay, maybe that was the wrong thing to say. I heard the sound of steel being scraped against leather. No doubt, Sir Doofus had drawn his sword. I guess talking time was over.

  “If you fuckers want to die, I’m more than happy to oblige,” Sally said from behind me.

  “It is not us who shall perish today, whore of Babylon.” Oh crap. That was definitely not going to put her into a forgiving mood.

  “Wait!” I implored, trying to rein the situation back in, but it was too late.

  Sally screamed, and I turned to find her cradling her cheek, smoke pouring from between her fingers. What the hell...but then I saw it. The man who had led us into this trap held a cross out before him. Smoke rose from it as well.

  “Burn before the might of the Lord our God!” the man cried triumphantly, advancing upon her. Ed rather heroically tried to position himself between them. Unfortunately, the dude with the sword stepped to move into flank.